Chapter 96: Anguish

Book 2, Chapter 58 - Anguish

Reaching the capital took some two months. But they'd made it there at last and without any more casualties, scrounging and rationing supplies to threads throughout. Elizia leaned forward in her saddle as Valor trotted down the streets of Exaltyron. It was warmer now —enough to make her sweat. Azurus and Faren followed her while the rest of her army was camped outside and receiving aid.

The city was rife with activity as expected. Children ran. Shopkeepers shouted. Street troupes played and carriages drove past. Yet Elizia couldn't help but feel wrong. The closer she approached the palace, the less she wanted to be there. It felt as if an unseen disease circled amid shadows. Her mind created its own stories about what had happened. Created its own images and narratives. And none of them were pleasant.

She and her company entered the Nobility District. It was the same as she remembered. Clean streets patrolled by uniformed guards employed by nobility. Overly thin women in bright frilly dresses, and young men with copious amounts of pride —including those that buckled their belts while stepping out of brothels. Disgusting.

Different however were the glances Elizia was receiving. Frowns hidden behind fans. Stares that averted their gaze when she met their eyes. She felt unwelcome. Was it because her demeanor? She appeared weak, was dressed poor, and probably smelled horrid, though her nose had long since grown desensitized. It occurred to Elizia that she did not at all look the same as when last she was here years prior for a ball of sorts. Back then, she was a girl in a dress riding a carriage with her parents.

It's just my nerves playing with me. The sun was out and the weather was nice, and yet she sat here thinking gloomy thoughts. But the decree mentioned 'Queen Emeria'. Not only was Emma not of age to inherit, but that suggested that Queen Dahlia was no longer. Worst yet, if the Trillians had been commanded to end the insurrection, then Sir Aegis wasn't here either.

The horses strode up the path leading to the plateau. Azurus rode ahead. Dressed in a Queen's Guard battle suit, he was their ticket inside. He'd realized that. Or he was that eager to see Emeria.

“Halt!” blue uniformed guards at the top commanded. They had their hands around the hilts at their waist. “State your name, knight, and those of your affiliates.”

Elizia frowned. Was Azurus not recognized? He'd only been away a year if she guessed right. Hardly enough time to forget a face and eyes like his.

“Sir Azurus, is my name,” the young knight said. “And these are,” he paused, glancing Elizia's way. “Our current First Princess, Lady Serene, and her aide, Lieutenant Faren. Who, might I ask you to be? You seem new faces among the Queen's Guard, yet I do not recall any squires like the two of you when last I left.” Azurus dismounted, standing over the guards with arms crossed. He imposed his height on them and they shuffled back. No at all knightly behaviour. “You cannot possibly have become full-fledged knights in the span of a year.”

Azurus was right. They couldn't be as highly trained as others. They wore their uniforms well. Have some concept of soldiers, but not knights. And they didn't quite match the average build of the Guard.

“We are a few months into our post,” the first man said. Surprisingly, he didn't stutter like Elizia had imagined. “I am Sir Geily, and this is Sir Trodly.”

Elizia dismounted and Faren followed suit. She handed Valor's reins to one of the guards. “Take good care of him while I'm not here,” she said, imposing her own height and speaking with the cold edge of a demanding highborn. The one named Geily bowed, and took the reins, stepping away in a hurry. He crinkled his nose. Elizia felt the heat of embarrassment appear on her cheeks, but Valor tugged against his own reins and the knight stumbled forward. Elizia stepped up. “I said, take. Good. Care. And how dare you insult me. You think I smell like alleyway sludge, don't you?”

“Er, no my lady. I mean your highness. Er, we'll lead the horses away right away.”

“Don't lead them away. Let them graze the courtyard. Keep them from being bothered by anyone.” The man nodded fast. Elizia patted her horse's side. He'd thinned considerably. The poor thing. There was much to eat for him here before the palace. Hopefully, Emeria wouldn't mind. Even if Queen Dahlia had been killed, Emeria wasn't foolish enough to let lesser people control Xenaria. Right?

The uniformed knights stalked off, leading the horses away. Azurus was frowning. “These aren't trained men at all. If all it took was a name and bullying to move them, they aren't doing their jobs right. Let's go. I'm certain Emeria's heard of our arrival. I want to know what is happening here. Why the city felt as ill as it did.”

“Me too,” Elizia agreed, following him. So it wasn't my nerves telling me that something was off?

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No guards watched the palace entrance. No one asked Elizia or Faren to remove their arms. Azurus scowled. His own attire marked him as Queen's Guard. But under Sir Aegis' leadership, no one in as ragged a state as Elizia and Faren would be allowed within a hundred feet of the palace without having their arms removed or identity thoroughly checked.

Inside, a maid in a plain grey gown led Azurus and the other two through the wide and carpeted corridors of the palace. No guards at corners or at stairs either. What has happened here? The maid was leading them to the throne room. Everything would become apparent then. But Azurus feared finding all the wrong answers to his burning questions. He let his lungs swell with his every breath. Sir Aegis was gone. Somehow. Queen Dahlia was also gone. That much was as clear as spring water. And Emeria was alone and very obviously in need of aid. She needed him now. She—

The doors to the throne room were opened. “Your majesty, Sir Aegis along with First Princess Elizia and her aide, Faren,” the maid announced with a bow before stepping to the side.

Azurus found himself speechless seeing his beloved sit on the throne in all her splendor. Emeria was dressed in a sleeveless green dress with a magnificent emerald choker hanging above the dress' cut. Her hair was done in a thick curl. A corsage of white roses lined her left shoulder. A crown of silver with violet gems was placed atop her head. She was breathtaking.

But also wrong.

Azurus near second guessed himself for having purchased such a simple circlet for Emeria. She had so much wealth at her fingertips and he'd bought her a piece from a peddler. But no. She wasn't someone to wallow in excess. She would appreciate any gift he gave her and cherish it. So why now was she dressed so lavishly? For appearances sake? There was no one else in the hall save for a scribe bent over a table, waiting to scribble down the inevitable interaction and make official record of it. And an elderly ashen haired advisor at Emeria's side.

Azurus blinked. Elderly? No… Odain? The Vicegerent made no move to acknowledge his familiarity. What was he doing here, though? He who Sir Aegis claimed was the head of the Astral Union with such surety. A fact Azurus had been deceived into not believing during his time in Heira.

Azurus stopped walking halfway down the carpeted isle to the throne. He knelt down on a knee as did Faren. Between the two, Elizia stayed standing, hands on her hips.

“You will not kneel, First Princess?” Emeria said. Flames it was blissful to hear her voice again.

Elizia snorted. “You know I don't like formal things.”

“It isn't a matter of formality, but rather of respect.”

“And I'm supposed to care?”

Emeria was glaring now. Actually glaring. “El, she's being serious,” Azurus muttered.

“What words do you speak in hushed tones, Sir Aegis?” the new queen screamed.

Azurus frowned. Sir Aegis? Had Eildred and Dahlia made that his official name? Even more confusing was Emeria's behaviour. “Emma,” he began. “Are you—”

“Emma? I beg your pardon, but since when was a mere knight allowed to address the queen in such a fashion? A mere failure of a knight who not only did nothing to quell the rebellion, but was also outside of the city when my mother and uncle were murdered!”

That stung. To the point where Azurus' eyes watered. Confirmation of his teacher and liege's deaths. And his beloved's behaviour on top of it. “Emeria, if you're hurt—”

“That's your majesty to you!” she shrieked. “Hurt, am I? I'm not hurt. I'm furious. Furious enough to execute you, if but only I had proper grounds to. Execute the both of you! To think I considered you my friends once.”

“Emeria, stop this nonsense!” Elizia said. She still didn't kneel. Her buckling knees though made it seem that moment wasn't long off. She'd come into the city eager for answers and hadn't stopped to rest and eat like the rest of her soldiers. She was weak right now. “I don't know what you heard, but we spent nearly an entire year fighting insurrectionist forces threatening the people of Xenaria. We struggled through harsh weather and lacking supplies. And now, you've decreed a dubious band of religious zealots to overtake our work and credit! The citizens even sympathize with them and offer them aid freely! Do you have any idea how that makes us feel?”

“Do you think I care?” Emeria sneered. “You struggled and failed. That is what matters. The insurrection persists and my mother was assassinated. The holy army of Trillia, which I've declared the official Xenarian faith, will do better. The people are aligned with them. They can bring a swift end to this like you never could, Lady Serene. And they can change Xenaria into a nation of tranquility as it should be.”

Azurus couldn't believe what he was hearing. How had Emeria changed this much in the span of a year? Was she really so hurt as to abandon friends? Elizia had her fists closed. “How dare you. You'd spit on the sacrifices of my soldiers? ON THE BLOOD WE'VE SPILT IN THE CROWN'S NAME? You'd—”

“And how many Xenarian citizens lost their lives because of you?” Emeria retorted.

“Because of me? Or others? Lord Galadin armed the insurrectionists. His men robbed villages. We were stuck trailing after them while fighting enemies seeming to appear out of nowhere. Trained enemies, mind you. Not mere peasant rebels. The same Trillian militia you give power to were the ones instigating the rebellion all along!”

“Don't blame your failures on others, Lady Serene. It is unbecoming!” Emeria hissed. Her pale and pretty face had gone red like a raging drunk. Suddenly, all her adornment seemed wasteful and made her almost ugly.

“You blind and ungrateful bitch!” Elizia screamed. She was crying, Azurus realized. Faren glared up at her, clutching her hand to calm her.

“First Princess Elizia. You understand direct insults to the queen are punishable by death, yes?”

“Try it! I'll snap—” Elizia cut off as Faren tugged her down hard. He shook his head. She continued to cry. Odain whispered something in the new queen's ear. It was him, Azurus realized. He'd done something to her. Had fed her lies of sorts. It had to be. Emma would never be this unreasonable. It was impossible.

Azurus froze. Where was the sword he'd gifted to her? She was never without it. She slept with it even.

“Out of courtesy for the hospitality shown to me by Lord Serene, I will pardon you this time, Elizia Serene. Leave before I change my mind. And take a Scorching bath for purity's sake. I want your army away from this city before dawn tomorrow or I will take you to be in open rebellion.”

Elizia stared long and hard at the person she'd once labelled friend. Then she fled the hall, wiping her face all the while. Her Lieutenant chased after her.

Emma, what are you doing? We promised her we'd always be her friends. How could you?

“And you, Sir Aegis,” Emeria said, turning to Azurus. “You're allowed rest for now. You'll be appropriately tried for abandoning your duty as Queen's Guard.”

“I was following the orders of the former captain,” Azurus protested.

“Do you have any evidence?” she asked. Odain again whispered something in her ear. She frowned but nodded. “It seems newly appointed knights have the option of earning accomplishments elsewhere for a number of years before being duty bound to the palace. I suppose I have no choice but to pardon you.”

With that, she stalked off, heels clacking softly against the carpeted floor. She'd never worn heels before. Azurus breathed in her sweet scent as she passed him by. But she didn't spare him a single glance. It was like she'd become an entirely new person.

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Azurus found himself aimlessly roaming the palace halls in his blue uniform. He didn't know what to do. Where to go. What his current station even was. The Queen's Guard had become a disorderly bunch. More than half the members were new and a large portion of them seemed outsiders that weren't even affiliated with the city's nobility. There was no Captain of the Guard or red uniformed officers that he could see. Everything had somehow gone to ruin.

From what Azurus could see, Elizia had already left. He couldn't spot her soldiers from the palace windows. He wanted to follow and console her, but a fiercer part of him made him stay his ground. He wanted to hold Emeria again. His arms were weightless without her in them, and his chest was a brick of lead from the memory of mere hours earlier. He felt betrayed. He'd spent enough time around her to know she'd meant every vile word that had come from her mouth. Her expressions had been wholly genuine. She had betrayed both Elizia and him all for being upset at her mother's loss.

Flames! I don't even have parents. I don't know what it's like to lose them. What he did know was that the loss of Sir Aegis had left an unfillable void inside. Murdering Sir Draumen gave him nightmares. And letting Lady Roxanne die placed soul singeing brands upon his conscience. And now, the only person left who he dearly loved, who he cherished and thought was his, who he wanted to spend his life with, had abandoned him too.

And yet, here Azurus was, roaming the palace halls while the sun was setting, hoping to coincidentally run into Emeria again. He'd even bathed, shaved and wore a sharp perfume.

Azurus rounded a corner and, as he wanted, she was there. She wore that same outfit with the same adornments. Dying light spilling through the windows made her dazzle. He wanted to stand there and stare at her, but she was pointedly walking clear of him. Azurus stepped before her, to which she seemed like she would explode, but didn't.

“Doesn't it get heavy to wear that crown all day?” he asked. “Not even your mother walked around with one on her head all the time.”

“A queen needs her crown,” she snorted. “Give my path before my temper rises.”

“Where's your sword?”

“I threw it away.”

Azurus flinched. His heart was being compressed. She threw it away? “Emma, what—”

“Your majesty. I won't remind you again, Sir Aegis.” She folded her arms, glaring. He once thought her cute when angry. No longer.

“Your majesty, is this really about losing your mother? I won't presume to understand your feelings, but what you said to Lady Serene was… unkind. And, I'd like to know what it is you really think of me. Were the years we spent together worth nothing at all? Were—”

“I'll stop you there, Sir Aegis,” she said. Not a hint in her voice suggesting remorse or affection. Not a single positive emotion showing in her face or light green eyes. “Before you speak of what I said to Lady Serene, should you not consider what she said to me? She insulted my honor. I wonder why it is you feel so eager to defend the First Princess rather than your own queen.”

“Surely you aren't accusing me of harboring feelings for Elizia? She's our friend. Your friend. We promised to stay at her side.”

“And yet I was the one abandoned in the end, no?”

“That isn't true Em— er, your majesty.”

“Spare me the sermon. I get enough of those from Vicegerent Odain. Regardless of what happens between you two, I truthfully think nothing of you. Yes, an uncouth version of me might have enjoyed our time together. But I'm past that. You are no more than a mere guard now. You have the name of Aegis and all the wealth that comes with it, but I know your real origins. Know your place. I'd prefer you didn't address me again.”

Emeria rounded around him and began walking away. “I still love you, Your Majesty.”

She paused. “Good. All subjects should unconditionally love their ruler. That you do proves your loyalty at the least. Out of consideration for your skills, I will allow you to be the Captain of the Queen's Guard. You were trained by my uncle and earned his respect. The Guard as it stands is lacking. I will entrust this position to you and should you perform well in the coming days, I'll hold an official ceremony and ball for your promotion than hold a trial for your crimes.”

She started walking away again. Azurus stood there in stunned silence until he could no longer hear her footsteps. Had every moment he'd shared with her been a lie? Fate seemed intent on torturing him and him alone. He wanted it all to end. He wanted everything to end. All his wishes, his dreams of walking his chosen path with Emeria, all of it washed away by the lies he'd unknowingly been swimming in. He would have to walk that path alone.

Create a world where no one is ever hurt like I have been.

Emeria seemed truly intent on making him suffer. Azurus, as Captain of the Guard, would have to be near the queen often. A part of him actually felt joy at the prospect even after everything that had happened. He couldn't stop loving her. And now, he was still allowed to spend time with her.

Spend time with her but never have her as his own.

No. She'll come around eventually. If I stay with her long enough, she'll remember our days together. Our memories with each other. And our friendship with Elizia as well.

Azurus began moving when Odain rounded the same corner, walking with his hands behind his back, seeming aged but also young. He wore a white coat a size too large for him, and his ashen silver hair, as usual, was combed back. Azurus felt his blood boil. His drew his sword, waiting for Odain to approach. The Vicegerent stood a few feet away, hesitating. “What did you do to her?” Azurus demanded. “What lies did you feed her? How is it the Trillians have become the recognized faith of Xenaria?”

“Azurus, please sheath your blade.”

“Answer me!” he screamed.

“I will, but I recommend you sheath your blade. I am the head of the Trillian faith. I don't wish any trouble upon you. If you're seen threatening me, I'm afraid her majesty won't be forgiving.”

Azurus frowned. Odain was worrying for him? He reluctantly sheathed the weapon, though his anger had yet to be quenched. “The situation hasn't changed. You were a former military leader of the Thousand Sun City. You are an enemy. I should have you executed for instigating an insurrection and assassinating Queen Dahlia.”

“The primary perpetrators of said assassination were First Chancellor Adrian Rinz and a number of the Lotus Knights. They've been dealt with already. I had no hand in that. I know you're upset. You've lost your master and queen. And the woman you loved no longer feels that way for you. But—”

“Because you fed her lies of some sort! Sir Aegis already told me that you're to blame for it all.”

“—that does not mean you should vent your anger on others. I once proved to you how fickle humans can be, Azurus. They are driven by emotion rather than ration. You are now in a similar state. I thought better of you then. You say Eildred Aegis said that I am the root cause of Xenarias problems. Did he provide evidence?”

“Evidence? Why would I…” Azurus trailed off, considering the question. He considered his long days of study astride Odain —theorycraft, philosophy, moral fallacy. “My… my missive to the queen. You were there when I… Who else could have twisted my words but you? Who else would claim I killed the Draumens?”

“Me, Azurus? I trusted you with an old power and you still believe I am to blame? You took your master's word as truth because of the familial attachment you felt toward him. Because of your respect for him. But never once did you question him as a rational man would do. Such is how scholars like myself view the world. I'll say it again, Azurus. I had no part in Xenaria's strife. Though, all I have to offer is my word against that of Eildred. Just as he could not prove that I was involved, I have nothing to prove that I was not, should you continue believing Eildred's words.”

“But…” Azurus really couldn’t prove otherwise. It wouldn’t have been odd for the First Chancellor to have seen his report before Dahlia. It could’ve been altered before the queen laid eyes on it.

“It's odd, you know?” Odain continued. “Everyone has seeds of darkness within them. Some are good at suppressing it, and living a life of good. Others, let it grow until it consumes them, leading a life of harm. And then there are those that hide their seed, feeding into its temptations when need becomes dire. It had been Queen Dahlia's decision to adopt the Trillian faith as the official religion of Xenaria. A ploy of the First Chancellor, I believe, who was courting her at the time. But she planned for a clean beginning of it all. I've seen the records. She sent you to investigate me and any ties I might have to Adrian, because of course, of my background with the Thousand Sun City. It was around this time that the insurrection began. Adrian was plotting her majesty's end. And Queen Dahlia herself… Well, she was planning my end. Overwhelmed by the rebellion, she planned to arrest me and pin it all on me, while elevating her lover, Adrian, to the position of Vicegerent to appease the people. Through it all, I am here, while the two of them are not. Goddess Trillia might work strangely at times, testing her creations, but never does she abandon the pious to utter ruin.”

Testing her creations… Azurus stared at his feet. Was that what his cruel fate could be attributed to? A test?

“I detached myself from the Thousand Sun City to preach the word of Goddess Trillia," Odain continued. "What I once sought to achieve with force, I instead did through acts of empathy, becoming a true follower of Trillia. Years later, I see the fruit of my labour. Xenarians are embracing the faith en masse. I'm confident we can lead the people to a better future than they had before. And of the accusations I make against the former queen, I do have the evidence, Azurus. Letters signed by Dahlia herself and stamped with the royal seal. Along with letters writ and signed by the First Chancellor to his co-conspirators.”

“Then everyone was lying to me all along.” Azurus flexed his hands. Hands that had shed so much innocent blood. What was he living for now? What did the honor of knights even mean when the very people that had come up with it, the people he was sworn to serve, didn't live by it and lied instead? He was nothing but a pawn to Queen Dahlia. To Eildred.

And even Emeria.

He met Odain's eyes. “What of Alcor's Ashes. What of the genocide of Lady Sar'tara's people? Were you not the same Lord Sun who ordered that done?” The accusation fell flat. Azurus knew he had no right to point fingers.

Odain's head sank. “An act for which I will atone forever. Do you believe people can change for the better, young knight?”

Azurus swallowed.

“I do not expect forgiveness for my actions, but mayhap I can make up for it. Mayhap I can leave this world a more just place than when I found it. Is it not the same for you? Did you not kill countless hapless peasants caught on the wrong side of this conflict?”

“I…”

Odain walked forward and rested a hand on Azurus' shoulder. “Not everyone has been lying to you, Azurus. Not me. Hold fast to your morals, young knight, for they are good things, I believe. I'm glad you're here. If time allows, we might again study Chronary together.”

The Vicegerent stalked away. Azurus was left alone to stare at his palms in anguish.

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Emeria slammed her door shut —against her will— and then began screaming as she wanted to. She tugged against the silver crown on her head, but it wouldn't budge. It didn’t pull against her hair. It was just locked there to her head. An Artifact that allowed her every action and speech to be controlled by Odain with extreme perfection. Her facial expression, tone of voice, he could even force down tears.

She was made to kill a loyal knight in cold blood. And now, Emeria had spat in Elizia's face, breaking off their lifelong bonds. She'd made El cry. And worst of all, she told Azurus she no longer felt anything for him.

I still love you. Dear heavens. Those sweet words. 'I love you too' she'd wanted to say. She wanted to bury herself in his embrace. But her body didn't move as she wanted. She couldn't speak as she wanted. She was enslaved.

Eternal Flames, I told him I threw away the sword.

Emeria continued to scream. She tugged harder at the crown, straining her arms. Nothing happened. The door to her room —her mother's room— slowly creaked open. It was a new door. The frame had previously been damaged. Likely during her mother's assassination. Emeria cowered back, falling down on the four poster bed. “Stay away. Stay away you—” her speech was cut off.

“Is that any way to speak to your master?” Odain said. “Ah, the poor boy. You should have seen his face. He really believes you've abandoned him.”

“Burn you! Burn you to Cinders!” Emeria cried. “Burn you until not even Ashes remain!”

Odain sighed. “Burn me, eh? They tried. Many times in fact. Didn't work.”

“I hate you. I h—”

“I really do prefer you silent. I know you hate me. And I hate it when someone states the obvious. Repetition is the mark of senile scholars. Please refrain from it, assuming I allow you to speak freely. Not that I will let you step out of line, but you'd do well to not fight against my control. If I catch even a hint of anything amiss, you won't pay for it. But I'll make sure Azurus does. Poor boy is already broken after all he's been through. A light breeze, and he might just decide to jump off a roof himself.”

Emeria saw her tongue freed once more. A torrent gushed from her mouth. “You're a coward! A Flaming pig! A whoreson! A… a murderer. Killer. You're—”

Odain crossed the room with unexpected speed. He gripped Emeria's jaw with one hand, glaring at her with wide eyes. “What did I just tell you?” He squeezed harder, grinding the flesh of Emeria's cheeks against her teeth. “Murderer, was it?” he asked. A sinister light twinkled in his depthless eyes. “Kill a man and that's what you're labelled. A murderer. Kill ten and you become a slaughterer. Kill hundreds, and you've committed a massacre. Kill thousands, and you are a soldier. Kill thousands and your name is in epics. Kill thousands and they laud you a hero. A figure of admiration. A figure to be revered! I've killed tens of thousands and ordered the deaths of many times that. Murderer? Nay. There is nary a history book remaining that depicts me as such. I am the light of eternity. I am he who will lead the world to ascension!” he finished, shoving Emeria back against her bed.

And then he left.

Emeria was left alone to stare at the ceiling in aguish, mouth kept sewn by the order of her unavowed master.