Chapter 91: Failures to Own

Chapter 53 - Failures to Own

Elizia half smeared the blood and snow on her face with a sleeve. Hundreds of riders blitzed past her and her company. They stormed into the enemy encampment, setting alight tents and driving back the rebels towards the river. A detachment approached her group, locating them by the sounds of their voices —which had grown haggard from screaming the Vashiri war cry for so long.

Blowing winds eased, though snow continued to fall. The detachment of riders stopped before Elizia. Her lieutenant was among them. Faren dismounted and ran over. "My lady!" he cried, hugging her.

"I'm well," she lied with a cracking voice of her own. That fierce strength brought on by a rush of adrenaline was quick to fade with the battle having drifted away from her. She could no longer feel the people and plants within her surroundings. Heat seeped out of her limbs and the state of her environment quickly became apparent. Worst of all was her wet garments. Any longer in those, and she was bound to catch a fever.

"I knew this plan was folly," Faren muttered.

"It wasn't folly," Elizia said, squeezing shut her eyelids to force out snow blown into them. "But we should have taken into consideration that they were trying a night raid as well. Can you guess how many we might have lost?"

"No. Not in this weather. Sir Azurus' company took the full brunt of the enemy formation. I've managed to turn the tides in our favor by avoiding a direct charge into their spears, but we lost many good men tonight."

"And Azurus himself?" Elizia asked, gripping Faren by the shoulders.

"I don't know. His mount was the only armored one out of all of ours. If anyone could have survived a wall of spears, it would have been him."

"I— achoo!" Elizia sniffled. Each of her breaths made rippling vibrations in her throat. She forced out coughs to spit out the thickness caught within her chest.

"I'll see to the clean up here, my lady. Take our mounts and return to camp. Get yourself before a fire and have Lina and her physics check you over. If you see any sign of Lord Galadin's riders before our return, run to us immediately."

Elizia nodded, eager to sit by a fire. Faren's detachment gave up their mounts to the company of archers. From up ahead, a second battalion of riders plowed past the thick snow filled fields. Among them, Elizia thought she saw a black horse with a rider in black, but it was too hard to tell in the dark of night.

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Elizia wrapped the ends of a wool blanket around her left hand. With her right, she pulled it closer over her shoulders. She then took in a spoonful of hot porridge from a wooden bowl in her lap. She'd changed to a pair of dry trousers and shirt, but the chill of night was ever relentless. It had finally stopped snowing at least.

Some from her company of archers were bed ridden, coughing excessively. The physics said they would recover. Good. But guilt still gnawed at Elizia. A single oversight, and she'd sentenced many of her mother's soldiers to death. Given the choice, she was certain they'd have preferred to die old and in a bed. But soldiers like us don't have the luxury of choosing where we die.

She ate another spoonful. The porridge was bland and more runny than her nose this night, but hungry as she was, she could have sworn that this was the best porridge she'd ever had. She almost asked for seconds before remembering supplies were still lacking. She scraped the edges of the bowl as best she could with the spoon, pouting at the pea sized bite she managed to scrounge. Finished, Elizia handed her bowl off to one of two guards watching her back. She held her hands out towards the crackling flames of the campfire, staring at the shadow of her arms. They were thin. Tonight, they hadn’t been enough to shelter all those she was charged with.

And they never will be. You can't protect everyone, El. No leader is without loss. Not even father. What matters is ensuring that not everything is lost all at once.

The ground vibrated, announcing the return of Faren and the rest. Soldiers spilled into camp, carrying with them the grim silence of a defeat. Their lips were sewn shut as if the night had been lost and not won instead. Horses were tied together and a proper perimeter was created. The previously hidden supply wagons were returned to the camp as well.

Elizia perked her head up in search for Azurus. She spotted him walking around in his black armor, looking this way and that. She waved him over, the blanket around her shoulders slipping half off. She struggled to keep her lips from forming a grin, but seeing him alive and unharmed made her happy.

Azurus stepped into the light of the fire, a glove of snow on the tip of his boots. Dark red stains were splattered against his armor. He undid the straps of his pauldrons and breastplate, letting the shoulder pieces fall to the ground and lifting the plate over his head, tossing it aside as well. "Is there room for two in that blanket?" he asked, sitting down next to her.

"No," Elizia said honestly. A part of her had wanted to say yes, but she felt it better to not entertain that part's whims. "Porridge is being handed out near the physic tents."

"Does it taste good?"

"Are you hungry?"

Azurus shrugged. "I can make do without. I've gone longer without food in this kind of weather during my orphan days." He raised his hands towards the fire, lips bent down and head hanging. "I'm sorry, El. I led your riders straight into a spear wall. Casualties have to be near a hundred. A similar number might be too wounded to carry on."

"You have a habit of blaming yourself for things you had no control over, Azurus. By your logic, my elite archers and I are to blame for creeping towards the enemy encampment and failing to notice an entire battalion a few hundred meters away from us."

"Did your group make it out unscathed? I heard you were surrounded."

"Everyone is still alive. Somehow." The Eternal Flames protected them, surely. Elizia thought back to her feelings then. Her intense desire to protect her soldiers and the burst of hot strength that'd come therefrom. Did adrenaline also heighten senses? How was it she could feel where each enemy was? "What of the rebel encampment?"

"In ruins. We ran down as many as we could. The rest we chased into the river. Stragglers might be around, but they won't pose much of a threat. We left their food stores there. Quite a large portion that might keep us going for several cycles or so with proper rationing. Lieutenant Faren says we can pick it up in the morning." Azurus suddenly clenched his fists. "Lots of well-made and new ironware left over too. What are we going to do about Lord Galadin?"

"What can we do? We have no evidence that he armed our enemies. Anything he did was probably done through a second party." Elizia chewed on her lip, staring deeply at the fire. Thoughts of violence crossed her mind. Her heartrate picked up. If anyone was really to be blamed for the deaths of her soldiers, it would be Lord Galadin. She didn't quite remember what he looked like from when she'd seen him as a child long ago. She imagined someone ugly and hairless with many wrinkles on his face and rolls for a neck. She imagined tying him to a pole and using him as target practice. One arrow for each dead soldier.

"El? You're shaking," Azurus said.

Elizia snapped out of her malicious dream. "Just a bit cold still," she said, turning her head in shame.

"The physics looked you over, right?"

She nodded. Azurus undid his vambraces and put an arm around her, pulling her in a little closer. Elizia blushed. Her heart was still racing, but for an entirely different reason now. Her mouth went dry. She wanted to pull away before her wrongful feelings overwhelmed her rationale. She noticed something silver hanging out from the young knight's pocket. A piece of it shown blue, sparkling as firelight swept its surface. "What is that?" she asked, pointing to the object.

"Hmm?" he said, looking down. He pulled the object out. A chain with blue gemstones. "This is the circlet I bought for Emeria."

Elizia felt a sky's weight in guilt settle inside at the mention of her friend's name. The pounding in her chest ceased and was replaced by a dull ache instead.

"Funny. She hasn't even worn it, and yet I carried it around during the battle, as if expecting it to bring me luck. I've only imagined how she might look while wearing it, and yet it feels like a piece of her to me. A memory." He turned to Elizia. "Would you like to try it on?"

Elizia blinked. "Me?" Before she could give an answer, he was already tying it around her head. She could feel his exhales against her hair. Her own face grew very warm. Azurus reached towards the back of her head and undid her hair, letting the smooth brown mass spill down her nape. "How do I look?" she mumbled, eyes fixed on clasped hands.

He stood up and gazed at her face. "Lovely," he said, smiling innocently. It was an honest comment with no emotion attached, Elizia realized. But it made her freeze regardless. She tucked back a lock of her hair behind her ear. "It suits you. You can keep it, if you'd like. I can always find something better to get Emma."

Elizia felt a pang of jealousy. "Something better?" she snapped. "What, so I'm only worth a cheap gift?"

"No, that isn't what I meant," he quickly said.

She ground her teeth. More arguments welled, but she suppressed them. This was wrong. Her feelings were nothing but fleeting infatuation born from time shared with each other. He didn't see her that way and she didn't dare encourage herself to go further lest she push Azurus into doing something he would regret. She took the circlet off and handed it back, smiling. "If I look lovely, then Emma will surely be far more beautiful wearing it. You bought it for her. Don't betray your original intent." She stood up, clutching the blanket at her chest. "And go get some food, Azurus. I swear I've heard thunder quieter than your stomach. You aren't fooling anyone with that stone faced act." She walked away, heading to her tent to retire for the night. A pair of guards followed her. Elizia found herself blushing again, wondering how much of the conversation the guards had heard.

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Azurus licked his spoon clean and took his bowl back to the cooking fires. Tasteless and runny though the porridge was, he'd actually enjoyed it. He walked between the many fires in camp and headed towards his own designated tent. Commanding officers like himself and Lieutenant Faren had tents of their own while the rest of the soldiers shared one between five men.

Azurus stuck both hands in his pockets to keep them warm. His fingers found the circlet again and he rolled the chain between them. He used Elizia's image to create a better template for how Emeria might look wearing the circlet. It didn't work very well. Elizia's shy smile was stuck in his head. She did look lovely. Azurus hoped whoever earned her hand kept her happy. She deserved as much after everything she'd been through. Someone honorable and just, and doting as well, like Lord Serene himself.

Azurus ducked into the dark space of his tent. He sprawled out on a sheet and stared up. A scrunched up blanket lay at his side. Scant few hours remained before daylight. But he didn't quite feel like closing his eyes despite how his limbs and back ached. The guilt of his failures still plagued him. Elizia was right. He had a habit of blaming himself. Regardless of whether she claimed he had no control over the situation, the failures were his to own. And each one building atop the last weighed on him.

He again found himself thinking of ways in which war could be ended forever. No. He'd already come to an answer for that. To end war, the world needed to be unified as one. And to unify the world, one needed to conquer it. And for conquest, an undefeatable army was required.

An immortal army.

A force that wouldn't falter no matter what. A force that couldn't be destroyed. And most importantly, a force that adhered to the moral ethics of knights. Too many a time did conquerors raze and pillage towns and cities after taking them. No. To unify the world, all other figureheads in the world needed to be deposed and it should be done so without harming citizens of each land. Only then would the people come to respect a foreign leader.

Or at least that was the conclusion Azurus had come to after months of thought. He retrieved his satchel that was left to the side. He then spilled out the contents, lighting a candle and holding it close against a small stack of pages. Azurus looked over the papers given him by Vicegerent Odain. Sir Aegis claimed the Trillians had instigated the rebellion. But the knowledge imparted by the Vicegerent was very real and potent.

He studied the pages of Chronary over again and began scribbling down notes of his own on fresh pages. Chronary required the sacrifice of life to be used. Every living thing had lives. Trees especially had longer lives than men. If there could be a proper phrase to bind a person's lifespan to trees…

No. That wouldn't be immortality. That would be longevity. But what other lifeform could exist for so long? Azurus' brows furrowed and he tapped a finger against his temple. What if he bound two people's life forces into one? Would the effect stack? Would they both then live the combined duration of each other's lives? He worked on a specific Chronary phrase to see how that might go, but another problem arose. How would he force obedience out of soldiers? How would he prevent deaths on the battlefield? How would he ensure they followed his moral code when conquering cities?

My moral code… Azurus swallowed. He looked up, expecting to see sky, but seeing the dark cloth of his tent again. He reached towards the ceiling, pretending to grasp at stars that weren't there. "So I've decided that I will be the one to usher in this new era then?" he mumbled. Only, one major obstacle remained in that path. Would Emeria see eye to eye with him? Would she be willing to embark on the same journey he knew was a necessity? He wanted her there and at his side. Wanted her as his immortal Empress.

He once again took out the circlet, imagining her smiling face. It surfaced and held for a long few seconds. But then it changed shape and he once again saw Elizia's blushing picture. "Argh!" he cried. He put his things back in the satchel and blew out the candle before sprawling out on the sheet again.

Leave tomorrow's problems to tomorrow's me. After all, that's what he'd done during his years as an orphan. There would be plenty of time to study Chronary when he returned to the capital. Plenty of time to ask Emeria to walk with him on his chosen path.

Azurus closed his eyes. "I love you Emma," he whispered.