Chapter 2: distant memory

I still vaguely remember a time where time would pass by slow but fast in my memories, a time where the warmth of the summer days where the sunlight would bath on my skin, a time where I felt complete, full, a time where I could still smile. I faintly remember a day where I felt truly happy. I was running through a corridor, one that felt familiar yet full of mystery and wonder, in the horizon I saw a room, a room that felt like home, how long has it been since I felt that way. With a flash of light, I walked in. It all felt like a dream, but one thing was for sure, I went there all the time. The room was empty except for a large window, about three times my height and two times in width, in front, layed a large black table. Usually when I went there the sun shined brightly, so brightly it would go through the blinds and onto the table. beside the table, there were large chairs, red and fluffy, they reminded me of thrones, the ones kings sat on. One on each end of the table and one in the middle facing opposite to the sun. they had yellow symbols on them. I would always sit on them, waiting, I wasn’t quite sure of what, but I was sure I was waiting for something, it made me feel like a king, it made me feel like I was worth something. I would sit on it for hours pretending to have conversations with myself, and I would feel like they were talking back to me due to the echoes. The room didn’t have any light just reflections of the sunlight on the table. It was calm. It was quiet. It satisfied me. here I felt like I mattered for once, I was someone important, I kept telling myself. That day an uninvited guest came to my seat, a bug, I let it be and sat on the chair opposite to the sun. I watched, its wings, blue and glittery, reflecting light and glimmering it onto the chair, shaped in such a way where it would make you feel at ease, and stunned by its beauty. So much so, tht it could have almost convinced you that white is black, and black is white. Such a beauty could not be described simply with words. I layed on my chair gazing at this unfamiliar creature. it was mesmerizing, the perfect lighting and temperature made it seem as if time stopped, warm, bright, silent, I couldn’t have wished for more. I looked to the other side of the room; this was my first time on this side of the room, so I never noticed the door. It was a substantially large door., if children stories taught me one thing, it was that the bigger the door the more important it must have been, looking at my surroundings I could only have imagined the conversations and people that where once in this room, being in a place of such importance made me feel important. Once again, I turned my head and looked at the bug, wishing it would respond to like my own echoes, this was the first time I’ve had company, this felt new, exiting. Ever since that day I saw the same bug at the exact same spot, and every time I would sit on the chair facing opposite to the sun. About a month passed, the bug was still there, I thought it had taken a liking into me, so it stayed, as time passed, I continued observing this used to be foreign creature. I decided to bring one of my picture books to determine the species of this bug. Page by page, I read aloud. Flipping through an uneasy feeling arose in me, a quench unpleasant pain in my stomach, flip, the closer and closer the I was to the end of the book, flip, the more and more the images resembled this beauty in front of me, flip, I saw it, the same bug but in the book this time, I wish I never brought this book, a blue angel it read. for one last time, I looked at what mattered to the most to me before I uncovered the truth. The room felt so much calmer than before, so memorizing, bright, it really was like a dream, I can’t exactly put it into words, it felt all too calm, the sun shining on the table, reflecting all over the room, the warmth of summer, a dark room, silent, and beside me, what looked like a bright and glittery diamond, the blue angel, a species of moth that only lives for a day. and I understood, I was too naïve to believe that something would ever be interested in me, I thought I had a friend, the only thing I though supported me in my whole life was dead, I can assure you that if it could have lived for longer, it would have rather died in a sewer than beside me. I understood just how much people hated me, I was worthless, I shouldn’t be surprised that I only realized this now, on my last breath, that I understood this, I wished I could have lived longer. I thought I could have accepted death, but now knowing how close it really is made me fear what was after, knowing that I will never feel the warmth of summer bath on my skin scares me, just the thought of it makes me feel a quench in my heart, if only I realized sooner. I wish I had no regrets. with my last breath, I looked at my surroundings, a large grass field, wind rustling in the trees, the shadow of the tree atop of my head, the sun shining brightly, I wish this second could last forever, or maybe it will in my mind…